The Audience Is Listening (and they’re slightly disturbed)

The Gonzo Journals

April 4th, 2023

I’ve never been an enthusiastic fan of audio books. I mean, I know how to read. I’ve been reading books since before I ever attended my first day of public school back in good old 1979. Also, I believe it feeds the laziness of modern society. Just read the damned book.

Still, there’s lots of busy people in this world, and a lot of boring commutes. You can’t very well watch a movie while you’re driving either. You can, but you probably shouldn’t. What’s left? Carpool karaoke? Some can’t sing, so this is the epitome of all that is entertaining behind the wheel. I wish them the best.

The first time I ever bothered to lower my standards and listen to an audio book was when I was driving truckloads of art across the country. I had quite a drive ahead of me from El Paso to Dallas and my first fiction novel, A Taste of Home, was produced via my literary agent. I listened the entire drive. It was the most frightening thing I’d done in my literary career. Someone else serenading me with my own words wasn’t a pleasant experience, and it was too late to recommend choice changes I recognized along the way. What’s done was done.

Next was my short story Hell Paso from the 2020 Splatterpunk Award Winning Anthology “And Hell Followed”. I laughed aloud multiple times at the nonsense I’d written for this offering and applauded the narrator for keeping a straight face while recording. I enjoyed it so much, it put my opinion of audio books on the fence. I was batting a .500.

This morning, I was informed by Death’s Head Press aka Dead Sky Media that the audiobook of my wacky Splatter Western novella “Starving Zoe” was officially available on Audible. Oh, the humanity. The audio book world is NOT ready for this, but it’s here whether they like it or not.

This is the novella which earned me the title of racist, misogynist, child abuser, and animal hater. Not that I physically did any of those things, but the character I created did, therefore meaning – to the dumbest among all the Goodreads soccer moms – I was those things as well. Whatever. I’ll wear that shit like a badge. If anyone is stupid enough to believe it, why not? After all, Stephen King dresses as a clown and hangs out in the sewer to kill children, doesn’t he? Idiots.

The audio book of Starving Zoe is four hours of psychopathic old west rambling and disgusting scenarios. There is insane humor, sickening body horror, and repititious speak from 1865 which will insult the social justice warriors of the modern day. In other words, a fucking masterpiece. Yes, I’m personally liberal as hell, but my main character is far from it. It’s called being an author. It’s called imagination. It’s called talent. Get some of each.

The synopsis is as follows:

To most, 1865 was an eye-opening year. The American Civil War was officially over and the soldiers fortunate enough to survive the bloody conflict returned home to collect the pieces of their former lives. To young Arizonan, Robert Jack, the fateful desert homecoming marked the end to all he once knew. 

Forgiveness is overrated. Death is final. Revenge, however, dances between the fine lines of mortality and eternity. 

Love always finds a way.

Yes, it’s a love story. One of the greatest ever told. Based on REAL love, not this fake, romantic bullshit most books consist of. It begins with the deep dive into warm embraces and ends with blood, guns, horrors, and hatred. Is that real enough for you?

Also, I had read a lot by Hunter S. Thompson, Ed Lee, and J.D. Salinger before I wrote it. Holden Caulfield from Catcher In The Rye was my influence for the character’s internal monologue…and it doesn’t sit well with about 50% of the people who’ve read it. I find that honorable since 50% of the people who read Catcher In The Rye hated it as well. I wrote that on the dedication page for all to see, proving once and for all that no one bothers to read shit like that. Mine acts like a disclaimer for what follows, so it’s their fault for skipping over it.

I’m listening as I write this. Currently, my unlikable main character is being raped in the woods by a monster. It’s a Splatter Western, after all. What part of “Splatter” needs an explanation?

Some folks should stick with Twilight rather than explore the horrendous world of the extreme. This doesn’t make you queen or king of the cool kid’s club. Stay in your lane, poser. The hero of this story is determined by whoever is the least villainous. Just like real life.

You are NOT ready for this. Don’t be ashamed for laughing and have the decency to review it when you’re done. Two words will suffice.

Enjoy.

Peace.