The Boring Life Of An Assault Rifle

The Gonzo Journals

March 29th, 2023

Let me make something perfectly clear before you read any further. I am a super liberal married to a super liberal – socialist on the borderline of communist – who comes from a family full of liberal/socialists. We believe in love and rights for all. That’s correct. I said ALL. With that out of the way…

I’ve had a couple of assault rifles in my lifetime. It was scary at first. All those times I woke up in the middle of the night and caught them sneaking out of the house to cause mayhem. It was frightening! Every second of every day, I was forced to look over my shoulder in case they were standing behind me, foaming at the mouth and hell bent on sneaking some kind of shenanigans below my radar. This was my reoccurring nightmare for years. Oh the horror…

Wait, that was my daughter who used to do that, not my assault rifle. Now that I think about it, that assault rifle was my bitch. It never came out of the closet, loaded itself, or fired without me commanding it to do so. I’m sure glad I got rid of it, though. According to half of social media, those damned things have evolved, grown legs, and began living out their wildest, most violent fantasies without human interaction! I LITERALLY dodged a bullet by getting rid of it!

(insert video of me shaking my goddamn head)

Photo by cottonbro studio on

Let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, I had a cousin. He was funny as hell, and I worshipped him growing up. As with most people who possess an insanely outward sense of humor, he was severely depressed. One day, he tried to hang himself and failed. He phoned his family for assistance, and they obliged by introducing him to professional help. Unfortunately, while that “professional” help was getting their shit together, he formed a noose out of his shoestrings and committed suicide by hanging himself from the doorknob of his “observation” room. Determination.

So, who is to blame? My cousin? The hospital? The doorknob? The shoestring? Life would be quite annoying if we banned those things.

Photo by Allen – on

Once upon a time, I knew a couple of guys. They were both incarcerated with limited access to anything whatsoever. One of them murdered a child during a robbery. One night, he placed a paper ball inside a trash bag and swallowed it. The officers took notice in time – unlike my unfortunate cousin – and managed to save his life before he died.

The other guy (I don’t remember why he was locked up) faked an illness, went to the hospital, swallowed a small piece of glass he found in the parking lot, shit it out, cut his wrists, swallowed it again, went back to the hospital, got stitched up, shit it out again, cut his wrists, went back to the hospital, got stitched up, pulled out his stitches, went back to the hospital, got stitched up, had his hands restrained, used his fucking teeth to bite open his stitches, and was finally returned to the hospital where a four point restraint system was utilized.

So, who is to blame? Do we ban paper? Do we ban trash bags? Do we ban glass? Do we ban teeth?

Photo by Rodolfo Clix on

Once upon a time in 1990, my friend and I went to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on opening night! On the way home, he decided to take a detour which ended tragically. A roving band of rednecks pulled up next to him, kicked his ass, and threw him through a window. One of his arteries was cut and he was bleeding out. In desperation, he crawled to a friend’s house, but they weren’t home. He died on their porch. Ironically, the place where he’d been thrown through the window – a daycare of all places – sat right next to a fire station containing an ambulance and paramedics. He had no idea.

So, what’s the score here? Do we sue the Ninja Turtles? Do we ban rednecks (yes, please)? Should we protest the danger of windows? How about we mention a lawsuit against the paramedics next door who didn’t use their psychic abilities to save my friend’s life!

Photo by Gantas Vaiu010diulu0117nas on

I have a dozen of these personal stories in my memories which led to tragedy. Not a single one of them involve that assault rifle in my closet.

Society continuously searches for the simplest, most convenient solution to any problem they face, especially in the United States of America. When a killing takes place, the most forward thinking among us prefer to blame the weapon aka the poster child for American violence. This, my dear gonzos, is lazy thinking. The bare minimum effort of our elected officials and social justice warriors on display to fake out the American public into thinking a solution is on the way. They’re wrong.

With both my military and law enforcement training, I could walk into a building with a hunting knife and a claw hammer and do more damage than your average untrained lunatic with an assault rifle. Lots of people die daily due to car accidents, electrocution, and simply choking on a piece of food. Where is the outrage toward automobiles, electricity, and chickie nuggies?

Photo by Leonardo Luz on

In the most recent school shooting, an emotionally disturbed lady killed three children and three adult staff members. Her family, who she lived with, knew she was under doctor’s care for mental problems and that she was suddenly buying guns, yet said absolutely nothing to the people who could’ve stopped this from happening. They remained quiet. Luckily, the Nashville police – who obviously stole the balls from every member of the Uvalde, Texas police department – stormed the school and killed the shooter in a matter of minutes. I commend them for their bravery.

The Nashville police were determined. So was my cousin. So were the two criminals. My friend doesn’t really fit into the determination category, so we’ll just say a silent prayer for his misfortune and send it along to the afterlife. I guess those rednecks were determined though.

That psychopathic trans lady with all the guns from Nashville was determined as well. Her guns? Not so much. They’re inanimate objects which require human interaction to serve their purpose. This isn’t Beauty and the Beast and all the bullshit in your house isn’t about to come to life and help you get ready for the fucking ball, Belle. Assault rifles sit in silence until a human picks them up. That same human could do the same with shoestrings, trash bags, or windows. Preach that shit!

Photo by Roberto Persin Junior on

My unpopular opinion is that we do not have a gun problem in this country. Some would argue about the number of people you could kill with a set of shoestrings compared to a gun and they’re right…to a point.

Once upon a time a few guys got onto an airplane with box cutters. They took over the planes, flew them into buildings, and killed thousands of people.

Where was that airplane ban when we needed it?

If you see something, say something. Initiate red flag gun laws NOW.



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