Review: John Wick Chapter 4 (Spoiler Free)

The Gonzo Journals

March 24th, 2023

Here’s a quick side note that’s going to piss a lot of people off:

I’ve lived in Texas the majority of my life, but never heard a single person mention Selena until the day she died. Was she really just Tejano’s best kept secret or another example of how most people treat true talent by not giving a shit until that person is gone? Will people finally scream “Miller, Miller, Miller” on the day I fall? I hope not. I hate the sound of my own name. Tell your mom to stop screaming it. Nooch.

I think about some pretty strange shit while I’m making my morning coffee.

Last night, me and the little lady journeyed to Alamo Drafthouse for dinner and a movie. Nothing says “yummy” like a fake ass gluten free pizza and ultra violence. Yes, the pizza was advertised as gluten free, but our NIMA sensor said otherwise. My wife has Celiac, and we roll up into restaurants with high tech bullshit detectors. Those things cost a lot of money, but I can’t put a price on my wife’s life, especially when the cause of death could’ve been avoided. Every “glutening” is one step closer to cancer, and one step closer to the end. Fuck you, Alamo Drafthouse. Some people trust your gluten free lies and shit their brains out and die. Just be honest. We love honesty, especially when lives are on the line.

I’m beating around the bush because, other than the ending, there is no way to spoil a John Wick film. He has tons of guns and a Kevlar suit. He shoots hundreds of people with a story loosely surrounding the carnage. That’s all you need to know. Hell, it’s what you should expect! We didn’t see this film for Keanu’s acting ability – he says ten words during the whole film – or the masterful plot. No, we went to see “Gun Fu” on a big screen with loud speakers. It was everything we hoped for. Dude has killed more people than COVID, or the ignorance of the conservative media regarding COVID. Take your pick.

Here’s the synopsis:

John Wick uncovers a path to defeating The High Table. But before he can earn his freedom, Wick must face off against a new enemy with powerful alliances across the globe and forces that turn old friends into foes.

That’s all you need to know!

The downside: this film is LONG! Go piss a dozen times before the movie starts. Not that you’ll miss any part of the plot that could lose you by the time you made it back to your seat, but the actions sequences are detailed, lengthy, and orgasmic.

The upside: The casting is excellent. Of course, you have the titular character John Wick played by none other than Ted “Theodore” Logan, but Laurence Fishburn, Clancy Brown, and Ian McShane are amazing supporting characters. The villain, at least the boss character, is played by Bill Skarsgard, who puts forth a solid effort portraying what we’d call in Dallas a “Highland Park Trust Fund Baby Cock Stain”. Unfortunately, he doesn’t do that Pennywise thing with his eyes, but the man is masterful at his craft regardless.

Donnie Yen plays yet another blind bad ass (Is he blind in real life? I’m too lazy to look) and shines every time he’s on screen. Also, Shamier Anderson portrays a character named Tracker who I absolutely loved whenever he got involved in the story.

Finally, Natalia Tena has a small part in this film, and I believe her to be one of the most beautiful people to walk on this planet. You may know her from Game of Thrones or as Tonks in the Harry Potter films. Men – and ladies, if you swing that way – try to keep the pocket fondling to a minimum. Pee Wee Herman’s career never quite recovered from that sort of nonsense. Keep your hands where we can see them. I would gladly let her “wingardium” my “leviosa”. I may have just ruined Harry Potter for some of you. No apologies.

The only thing I could really spoil in this film is the ending, and never would I ever do that to any of my Gonzo guys and gals. Some idiots will do it for me, but I refuse to lead you down that path. Beware social media until after you’ve seen this film. Inconsiderate pricks are everywhere and just chomping at the bit to hurt your feelings.

In the end, I’d say John Wick Chapter 4 is my favorite of the franchise. I’ve loved them all but, up until last night, Chapter 2 sat at the top of my list. Some of the cinematography had me scratching my head as far as attempting to figure out how they did it. Mindless, action packed, and the reason we all go to the movies in the first place. We may have a gun problem in this country, but they sure make for some goddamn awesome movies!

I’ll give this one 4/5 due to the length. In the end, they could’ve cut out a couple of the fight scenes to shrink the run time.

PS – If you’re a fan of the film “The Warriors”, you’re going to have a giddy/clappy moment about midway through this film. I squealed like the pube-less front row at a Justin Bieber concert.

Peace.

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