Red Headed Stepchildren of Social Media

The Gonzo Journals

March 22nd, 2023

I don’t know how many more times I must type this. I’ve said it on about every social media platform the internet offers, yet some people still can’t get the message. Next step? Billboard.

I am aware of the social media faction which offers services to authors such as cover designers, marketers, and editors. They occupy every other ad which pops up on my feed and I get about a dozen private messages begging me to hire them for my next project. It’s annoying, but some of them take it to the next level.

A handful of them are from the deepest, darkest depths of Africa. Not only can they not correctly spell their own social media posts, but they get pissed off and offended if you don’t answer them right away! Is this how business is conducted in the modern day? Have I been out of the game that long?

I’m a professional writer in every sense of the word and have been involved in this community for over fifteen years. I’m aware of who to hire for what and have an extensive list I’ve collected over time if I ever need such things. This is obviously not a good enough explanation for King Zamunda the editor extraordinaire. That being said, here are some alternative excuses:

1. If you bug the living hell out of me, I will never hire you. Not even to clean the dog shit out of my nonexistent flower bed. I don’t have a dog either.
2. I know tons of artists. I’ll reach out to them first for covers and illustrations. Some of these people know me on a more personal level so why would I hire a stranger?
3. I’m already married to the greatest editor I’ve ever met so, unless you can match her sexual prowess, you’re barking up the wrong tree. All the best writers sleep with their editors.
4. Why would I let you molest my words when you can’t even complete a sentence in simple English?
5. If I don’t answer you five seconds after you hit send, it may be because I’m in the middle of writing, or watching television, or playing a game, or taking a dump, or driving, or ignoring you completely. Either explanation is none of your goddamn business. I’ll get back to you when I get back to you, if ever.

Since when did this become the norm for literary services? The internet generation has no patience, no scruples, and no common sense when it comes to human interaction. Also, there’s money involved with these services. They’re basically begging, and beggars can’t be choosers where I come from. Are you trying to bully me into your services? Did you give birth to me? Did you raise me? Did you teach me? Do you fondle my balls and call me Rodan? That last one is a little odd to the uninformed, but it could be a thing. You never know. It’s my prerogative, after all. What I’m trying to say is that you have no power over me whatsoever. With literally millions of pseudo half assed authors floating all around social media, why have you chosen to harass me?

In the end, the professional world has taken quite a lazy turn since the pandemic. Lots of people have chosen to work remotely rather than commute to an office all day. This has forced them to forget how to personally interact with other human beings. Also, it diminishes the sense of pride you gain by getting your ass up out of bed in the morning, showering, dressing professionally, etc. I have minimum respect for someone persuading me to give them my money if they’re working from their smartphone while binge watching Umbrella Academy and wearing tthree-dayold yoga pants beneath a barbeque-stained Wal-Mart “Minions” t shirt. Lifting a leg to fart during our negotiations is strictly prohibited.

Am I making any sense, or do I need to be more acceptable to the “new” world? In the end, does any of it even matter? The mother ship is coming for us all to scorch our fingerprints from the planet and bypass any evidence we ever existed in the first place. Still, even after all that, I bet some guy with a gen one iPhone is sitting atop a jungle tree begging me to overspend on his AI created cover art. How do you even say “fuck off” in that “clickety click” language? Can I learn that on Fiverr?