Halfway There…

The Gonzo Journals

March 15th, 2023

Dear god, the coffee is hitting me in all the right spots this morning. Today is the first day in almost a week when I’ve been able to sit down at this computer and do what I was born to do. I mean, in all fairness, hanging out on a vintage narrow gauge steam locomotive is the other thing I was born to do, so I’m desperately trying to balance the two.

Spring Break has been interesting to say the least. So far, I’ve worked about 48 hours with another 48 to go. This is my one and only day off and I’m spending it typing random nonsense to you fine folks out there. I’ve spent a little time in the cab but most of it has been yacking at folks on the back of the train as a conductor. The weather was absolutely perfect but the people…

Do people not know how to have fun anymore?

Sure, I’ve met a lot of pleasant individuals who thank me for the laughs and say kind things. I’ve even had little kids come up and hug me for making their day a little more special. It’s the sweetest thing ever and, since the beginning of the pandemic, I don’t know how to accept physical touches from complete strangers. I just stand there and take it because I know it means the world to those children. No, I’m not always an asshole with a writing problem.

On the other hand, I’ve encountered a big batch of butt nuggets who don’t know how to follow rules or even politely interact with their fellow humans. It’s like they were all chomping at the bit to be released from the trailer park and somehow ended up on my train. Here are some of the things I’ve noticed over the past week which have annoyed the living hell out of me.

1. Basketball People – Why is it that the males of our species, adults and children alike, feel the need to arrive at a theme park, immediately win a basketball, and then spend the day bouncing it all over the place? The least you could do is get better at dribbling rather than it accidentally hitting your foot, straying off course into places it shouldn’t be, and chasing it…only to be performed all over again five minutes later. Mostly, these are white people who have zero basketball skills to begin with. We don’t think you’re cooler because you have a basketball. Be a real man, strap on some skates, and show me those hockey skills. Ironically, the Dallas Mavericks and their families are renting the park out for a night soon and I’ll allow their antics. I don’t pay attention to the NBA so it will be just like any other random guests, only much taller.
2. The Drinkers – One of the biggest mistakes my theme park ever made was allowing alcohol sales inside the park. I’m officially eleven months sober and I hate, hate, HATE the smell of alcohol. These people walk about with their giant ten-dollar tall boys of Americanized piss water all day in the Texas heat riding thrill coasters and eating overpriced greasy food. The perfect storm to vomit all over an area that’s my responsibility. No, they can’t seem to make it in the grass or somewhere else natural. They always must do it on the platform of the train station. Most times, they lean over the wall separating the park paths from the train platform making it my problem rather than someone else’s. Don’t get me wrong, I used to enjoy a good beer or two, but paying ten dollars for a .99 cent beer is ridiculous. Drinking enough of them to puke in a theme park is just plain stupid. Can’t you just down a weed gummy in the parking lot like the rest of us? Also, they never seem to get those empty cans in the trash. They post them on fence posts like trophies. Naw, dude. I’m not impressed by your beer accomplishments. Put your shit in the trash, cave man.
3. The Trumpers – I’m not sure if everyone is aware of this, but Donald Trump hasn’t been our President for over two years now. Also, he’s up for several criminal indictments in various places for various reasons. He’s the biggest piece of shit who’s ever farted in the seats of Air Force One, yet he still has a ton of followers. I was a Republican at one time, but watching this man deface our democracy since 2016 was a sickening ride. I no longer have faith in the party or their twisted, extremist beliefs. He is living proof that ANYONE can be President of the United States of America, and that’s not a good thing. I see people wearing Trump garb all day and, for the most part, it doesn’t bother me. I guess this country needs a hero and, to some, he is it. However, it pains me to see children sporting his t shirts and MAGA hats. They’re not old enough to understand politics and conservative beliefs and are just doing so because it was pushed on them by their parents. I view religion the same way. I’ve always believed that religious beliefs are something which should be left up to the individual once they reach the age of reason rather than it being forced upon children when they don’t know any better. It’s brainwashing on both counts. Plain and simple. Still, I don’t care if they wear his message…just shut the fuck up about it. I experienced a teenager the other night who was not only wearing Trump stuff from head to toe but was listening to one of his speeches on his phone and shouting loudly to the heavens to make America great again. America has never been great. It was founded on violence, shaped on violence, and continuously pedals violence as a way of giving our allies the constitutional reach around. Let your kids grow up and make their own decisions. Jesus and Trump can wait. They have enough followers to swindle already.

So, I guess my three biggest pet peeves with the public right now are basketballs, beer, and bigots. If that’s what you’re into in your own homes, I’m cool with it. Is there any way you could leave it there rather than shove it into the faces of those who paid a lot of money to have a fun time? If you think your public involvement in any of these three things will make you cooler, you’re mistaken. You’re white, you’re lame, and nothing is going to ever fix that. You probably couldn’t get laid if you crawled up a chicken’s ass and waited patiently, unless that chicken is indeed someone of the opposite sex atop a public platform poorly dribbling a basketball, slobbering drunk, while flashing their Trump digital trading cards like they’re partaking in the world’s lamest Pokémon tournament.

Kimberly Guilfoyle, I choose you!!! Use scary scream attack!

Peace…