Life Finds A Meh.

The Gonzo Journals

March 9th, 2023

It’s a cool, fog filled North Texas morning. Typical for early March in these parts. Spring and Winter will fight an unseen battle for dominance until, eventually, Summer steps up and says “Move. I’ve got this shit.”

I’m not sure how much longer I can take this. Three months of rollercoaster “meh” weather followed by nine months of intense summer is getting old. I mean, it’s not the heat that gets to you. I lived in Southern Arizona for a bit at the end of the nineties and I loved every second of it. No, the thing that gets you in Texas is the humidity. You’ll be lying in bed at midnight, and it can still be triple digits outside. Misery at its finest.

I’ve been fortunate enough in my lifetime to travel every inch of the continental United States, so I’ve experienced what it’s like to enjoy four different seasons firsthand. California summers, New England autumns, Colorado winters, and Pacific Northwest spring times are my absolute favorites, yet here I sit in the butt crack of the United States experiencing nothing but sweaty balls 3/4 of the year. Seriously. Look at Texas on a map. If North America were a person, Texas would be the anus. That would explain all the turds swimming around at the capitol in Austin. Just flush and get it over with, Ted Cruz.

It’s amazing how nature ignores all our modern advances in technology and climate control. If you don’t believe me, observe a snake or two for an entire year. Even though they’ve more than likely lived their entire lives in captivity, the outside weather still affects them. Also, their species origin location still runs the show, even if they were born elsewhere. For example, whenever we’ve had one of those weeklong blizzard shutdowns in the Dallas area, our Albino Cape African House snake refuses to eat. Sure, she’s sitting in a 70-degree condominium, but her internal sensors know there’s white stuff on the ground and freezing temperatures. In the spring, she’s out and about searching every inch of her enclosure for food and a breeding partner even though she’s never even seen another snake. Also, she’s nocturnal, but she ignores that instinct to do her mock business in the Spring.

Then, there’s my Hognose. He’s a hissy little derp who believes he’s a cobra. He doesn’t care what time of year it is. He wakes up every morning at sunrise – even before the timer has turned on his enclosure light – does laps around his home, stares at you like you’ve done something wrong, and hisses/strikes at you whenever you go to touch him. He will always eat no matter what (so far) as long as you stick it somewhere in the vicinity of his face. Even if it’s not a feeding day, he’ll disappear after a couple of hours and won’t show back up until the next day. Those little shovel noses come in handy when you want a hiding spot. He has four different places to chill in his enclosure, but he’d rather dig underneath his substrate.

The Hognose species ranges all along the American Midwest from Texas to Canada, spilling over into the southern United States. They thrive in ALL climates unlike the African House Snakes who come from humid, coastal areas. They’re night and day.

The crazy thing is that both of these snakes were bred in captivity and have never experienced outdoor conditions. They’ve been exposed to however the breeder kept their home and nothing more. Still, deep down, their inherent traits reign supreme when it comes to their behaviors. They’re like nature’s thermometers with a bitey end and a pooper. Unfortunately, most humans would never know this because they’re big pussies. Yes, statistically, I just called you out.

Humanity’s fear of snakes comes from centuries of preachers condemning the creatures in Genesis. Plain and simple. Supposedly, Satan turned into a snake and talked Eve into giving Adam an apple from a tree they weren’t supposed to eat from. Man, what a shitty way to test someone’s loyalty. Tell someone not to do something over and over again in hopes they’ll do it anyway so you can teach them the great lesson? That’s some straight up under the table bullshit if you ask me. Plus, Satan only turned into a snake because it’s the coolest thing you could possibly turn yourself into. After three divorces, I know Eve was going to eat those apples anyway before the snake ever came into the picture. Those marriage vows mean absolutely dick 75% of the time so a fucking apple didn’t stand a chance.

What we really need to focus on is why no one in the Middle East to this very day is named Adam, Eve, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter, Paul, etc. I sense the creators of this tome took a few liberties here and there with characters, locations, plot…

I’m not sure how I turned a post about hating Texas weather into a snake lecture, and then a Bible bashing session. Everything leads somewhere, I guess. Pure talent, in my opinion. You knew this link was dangerous when you clicked it. Want an apple?

Peace.