Tech Fail

The Gonzo Journals

March 8th, 2023

I’ve produced a solution to help save the number of lives lost from cell phone use while driving. No, it isn’t a copycat of what’s come before i.e. “just don’t do it”. This is far more inventive. Are you ready for it?


I swear, 90% of the time I’ve damn near had an auto accident since the invention of smart phones is because software companies don’t test their work anymore. Instead, they release it while it’s still buggy as hell and expect us to diagnose it for them through trial, error, and updates. I bet the programmers from 80’s Nintendo and Sega flip off this younger generation of know it all’s who no longer must dedicate hours upon hours of testing the product.

Photo by Harsch Shivam on

I’m not just talking about smart phones either. I’m also speaking of car displays, gps navigation, and radio controls in these new vehicles of ours as well. How many times do you have to touch a goddamn screen for it to notice your decision? Is there any way to streamline branching menus and make them any good? Or help them make sense? Sure, texting and calling is hands free now, so why can’t we work on everything else? Why do developers think this method is “good enough”?

The number of times in a week I want to throw all this “smart” technology out the window is astronomical. The texts and calls are no longer a distraction, so software developers have produced new and improved ways to thin out the population: cause vehicle accidents at the hands of their half assed products!

Android Auto is the absolute fucking worst! I rank it right up there with all the buggy ass social media apps like Facebook and Twitter. It takes up a ton of room on your device and only works about half the time. To boot, the skeletal technology these apps are based on was invented decades ago. Do you mean to tell me these hyper intelligent bastards haven’t found a way to perfect it yet? Nope, they insist on holding us all hostage for the latest updates and features, which are normally nowhere near as good as the features from previous versions. Just do it right the first time and then leave it alone!

Photo by Tomasz Filipek on

If this were a fucking Pokémon or Call of Duty video game, it would be damn near perfect before reaching the hands of consumers. The cool thing about that is people are sitting on their fat asses upon comfortable sofas and shit while finger bashing a Nazi. Screw all the people who are trying to find a Starbucks at 65mph and accidentally incinerate a family of six on their way to fucking Disneyland. Nope, let’s put all the good software developers on Animal Crossing while the dropouts dick around on Google Maps!

America’s infrastructure is failing left and right. Planes can’t be routed properly, trains are jumping the tracks and destroying entire ecosystems, and I can’t find a coffee shop that isn’t inside a fucking Tom Thumb! Who in the hell wants to get out of the car and fight a grocery store of ass hats because little junior won’t stop crying about a cake pop? No one. That answer is no one.

In the end, it’s nice to have the entire music catalog from the last hundred years at our fingertips, but wasn’t life better when you just popped in a Guns N Roses CD? Albums told a story, if you paid attention and had a keen sense of deductive reasoning, and it introduced you to tracks you’d never discover otherwise. Now, it’s nothing but singles and Spotify will make you listen to the same ten songs out of millions. Perhaps I’m not accidentally driving off the road. Perhaps I’m just trying to subliminally end it all.

Photo by Dominika Kwiatkowska on

What’s the alternative? Radio? Eat shit. It’s nothing but talk and commercials now with (c)rap songs in between. If I wanted to hear the N word repeatedly while getting my daily update on the fair-trade value of “bitches and money”, I’d slap my car radio on any random pop station and leave it until I slam my vehicle bumper first into the nearest creek. Surely that’s an intelligent way to stop the indecipherable voices of today’s musicians. They all sound the same, even underwater!

Now I don’t even know how to end this rant. I’m so incredibly frustrated with how technology has actually made life more difficult and annoying compared to what we thought it would be stoned on a Sunday night watching Liquid Television in 1992. I’ll just say this. This recent insistence on half assing it and fixing it in post will inevitably take more lives than accepting a phone call from granny while you’re driving. Lawmakers look for the easiest answers to make them appear more impressive in the media. Afterward, cell phone free zones were created for simple cash grabs rather than safety. Don’t believe me?

Look around next time you’re in a school zone with a police presence. If they don’t already have someone pulled over and receiving a citation, they’re goofing around on their own cell phones Tweeting about their ho hum cop life or texting that trailer park hooker with five kids and fewer teeth who gives them free ten-gallon drums of soda at the gas station. Fix your shit, America. Fix your rails, fix your communications, fix your bridges, and fix your fucked up technology before getting us all slobbery and addicted. Other countries are either catching up to us or have already surpassed our narcissistic need to be number one in everything. Also, the Dallas Cowboys are NOT America’s team. I don’t know who it is because the Google search feature in my truck is a piece of shit. I just know it’s not them.

I mean, I help drive a 120+ year old steam locomotive on the weekends. Not once has it instructed me to stop and update the software. Sure, it was heavy and not very cost efficient, but Americans used to make shit that worked.

Photo by Josh Hild on

Wow, this blog went nowhere, but at least it’s not all inside my head anymore. I guess it’s not about the destination. It’s the journey which matters. A journey full of wrong directions, crap songs, and cake pops.

I’m rolling up on 11 months’ worth of sobriety and my brain is lost in the freak zone. You dig it, though. Success.

Get off my lawn!



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: