The Gonzo Journals
March 2nd, 2023
First of all, I wanted to give the hugest of shout outs to the dozen or so landscapers who hop out of the same pickup truck every morning, fill their arms with Bud Light and Modelo tall boys at 8am, and then perform a full day of hard labor in the Texas sun under the influence. I can barely mow a straight line while I’m stone cold sober! You guys are freaking magical!
Second: A special thanks to my Hognose snake Ziggy Piggy for being patient while I thaw his mouse. He’s staring at me from inside his enclosure right now trying his best to make me feel guilty. Knowing that behind those sad little eyes are a set of rear fangs waiting to envenomate my unsuspecting ass. He’ll be okay long enough for me to write this entry into the Gonzo Journals. I swear. He’s like a puppy, only cuter, he doesn’t eat cat shit, and he hasn’t humped my leg. Yet.
I’m standing at the crossroads, people, and I don’t know what to do. Everybody knows about the crossroads, right? That’s where the old blues singers would go to sell their soul to the devil for fame and fortune. For reference, watch the 1986 film “Crossroads” featuring Ralph Macchio and a cutie, young, pre-Lost Boys Jami Gertz. It is one of the greatest films ever made in my opinion and kind of like a treat when you meet someone else who loves it. I’ll be a nice guy and place the trailer below.
So, I’m really digging on this new low budget experimental horror genre that’s evolving out of necessity for good material. Most horror movies today are CGI shit fests or a remake of an older horror movie no one asked for. Hollywood is scared to take chances, so they just remake stuff that made them money in the past. They’ll always make their money back because the younger generation doesn’t know any better. We old bastards remember the originals, though, and show our asses to the cheap remakes and reboots from directors who see dollar signs rather than artistic expression. I know a million indie horror authors. Why don’t we have a film made from Wile E Young’s “Catfish In The Cradle” yet? Poons.
Hold on, we interrupt this rant to inform you the snake ate. I made him follow the mouse all around the enclosure before letting him have it. He was hissing at me. Now he’s a happy snek. I really love him.
Anyway, the horror community pooped all over Skinamarink because it required them to imagine themselves through the forgotten eyes of four-year-olds. Also, it wasn’t full of gore and tits. I’ll never understand this. I’ve always found sounds to be way scarier than sight. When I studied psychological criminal profiling, I never got creeped out by photos of Jeffrey Dahmer’s freezer or Amber Hagerman’s body discovery. No, what really got to me were the audio recordings of the Hillside Strangler raping, torturing, and murdering his victims. It terrified me, to be honest.
There’s a new low budget found footage horror movie titled “The Outwaters” and no one in the horror community has said a damn thing about it so far on social media. This leaves me at the crossroads. How am I supposed to feel about it if the most vocal – and normally mistaken – among us haven’t informed me how to do so? I’ve purchased it but haven’t watched it yet. I personally don’t know if I’m supposed to love or hate it before watching without the horror community’s input! They’re usually so quick to bash and trash anything Avant Garde. I’m so lost.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I have a deep affinity for all things which hit outside the norm. According to the trailer, this is exactly what I’m into. Low budget and experimental means the writer and director had to use their imagination rather than a Mad Libs carbon copy of the same old shit we’ve seen time and time again. If I’m tricked into watching one more CGI monster boosted by star power and a half assed script aimed at sixteen-year-olds, I’m going to fucking scream.
I have this reoccurring daydream about recreating black and white silent films but doing them horror style. I have all the equipment I need to make them and a few promising ideas, I just don’t have the time. This is another one of those things I’ve placed on the back burner so I can concentrate on my writing. So far in 2023, I’ve written for 61 straight days, contributed two short stories to two upcoming anthologies, and am knee deep in writing my first video game. Too much me, and not enough me to deal with it. Does that make any sense?
I’m really looking forward to obtaining an alternate state of mind, turning out all the lights, and sinking my teeth into The Outwaters. It seems like the kind of experience I don’t get to encounter too often. Remember when we all used to gather around our televisions, dim the lights, and soak in the X Files week to week? No? Was I the only one who performed the X Files rituals every Sunday in the 90’s? Liars. Gillian Anderson was/is a goddess.
This film will have to wait a few days. Tonight, we’re going to see Cocaine Bear and I’ll have a review for you first thing in the morning. Spoiler free, of course. If you want someone to explain everything to you, go to Facebook and seek out just about anyone who claims to be “the shit” in horror or an “indie publisher”. Same thing. Give a person a KDP account and suddenly they believe they’re Simon & Fucking Schuster! I place it right up there with every girl who owns an iPhone and an Instagram account who claims to be a “photographer”. Goddamn hacks always smell like a nauseating concoction of Hobby Lobby potpourri and Chik-Fil-A fries. Wow, that was specific. I almost forgot about the Marlboro Lights and dog fur…
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