Hater Tots.

The Gonzo Journals

February 23rd, 2023

Warning: I’m about to rant about MY personal beliefs. MY personal beliefs. MY. MY. MY. See that word “MY”? It means “mine”. Me. Individual. Not YOU or YOUR’S. MINE. Read on carefully or don’t. If you get offended, you had to do a lot of clicking to get there.

With that being said…

I said goodbye to my last remaining grandparent yesterday. I even managed to look a few people in the eye who wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire. There’s nothing like visiting your hometown after being away for a bit.

Actually, that wasn’t the part that poked me in the pooper. No, it was the fact that every small-town preacher must turn every funeral and wedding into a soul grabbing sermon. Why?

Every single person on this planet knows about religion and knows deep down whether they want to be a part of it. God, Jesus, and the Bible don’t need a PR campaign of billboards along the interstate. Trust us, we know all about it! I rank it right up there with toilet paper. We know when we need it. No amount of advertising is going to influence our decision.

To me, weddings and funerals should be exempt from anyone breaking into a “don’t be a naughty nelly and drink my blood” creep show. You’re there to celebrate the (cough) lifelong bond between two people or to say farewell to someone you cared for. Instead, preachers, ministers, reverends etc. will seek the audience out when they’re at their most vulnerable and try to turn them over to their side. I’m on the fence whether that side is light or dark, but I guess it depends on who is doing the offering.

So many times, I’ve attended a funeral and the man running the show claims the deceased accepted God into their life a few weeks before they died. Bullshit. I was with that person and the imaginary boss in the sky was nowhere near their brain! Instead, they were trying to see how many joints they could smoke before passing out and lip syncing to Slayer songs!

I live in Texas and there is a church on every corner. I know exactly where to go and what to do without being reminded by Jesus’ self-proclaimed agents of “mercy”. Also, stop putting Bibles in hotel rooms. No one goes to a hotel to get “saved”. They go there to fuck, buy drugs, or sleep. Seeing a Bible magically appear in my flea bag motel room is not going to prevent me from butt stuff, bongs, and beddie bye. I stayed in hotels for years. Had lots of sex, did lots of drugs, slept for days, but never opened a Bible. I stole a page or two for impromptu rolling papers when I couldn’t find any, though. I doubt that counts.

One of the biggest religious turn-offs for me personally was all the begging. I grew up in a super huge Church of Christ building with only a handful of people in attendance. When you’re in this situation, you can really tell who the singers truly aren’t. Echoes of little old ladies belting out lines like “help us, lord” can never be scrubbed from my psyche. Help us? With what? Why are you begging? You weren’t begging five minutes before the sermon started when you were gossiping about your friend Barbara and how she doesn’t know her husband is cheating on her.

Modern society no longer changes its ways to fit the religious narrative. Instead, humanity alters their religion to fit their lifestyle. That’s why there’s a church on every fucking corner in the south with a different name claiming a different religion. Do you really think God is so wishy washy that she’d forbid you from doing something in one building across town but allow it in another? Also, every building and religion claims the other buildings and religions are all going to Hell. Do you know how many wars have been blamed on something that may or may not be true? Can you imagine getting your face blown off by a Muslim soldier, simply because you live in a country that advertises Christianity as its backbone, only to hear “Welcome to heaven…NOT!”

I recall working for the Hunt County Sheriff’s Department and listening to various politicians and officers preach about their “God” and church. I also heard whispers through thin walls about how certain people would never get elected or a promotion because they didn’t belong to the same church as someone of “importance”. Sounds to me like saving souls for all eternity takes a back burner to bribes and financial success.

Still, I knew what I was getting myself into when I entered the doors of the funeral home. My grandmother was a truly religious woman and believed with all her heart she would meet Jesus after her final breath. I truly hope she did because I know how much it meant to her. She and my grandfather both loved church and it was an important part of their lives. I can’t dispute that. Everyone should be allowed to love what they love and believe what they want to believe…just don’t try to push it on me, negating the things I love and believe in. It’s rude, and quite narcissistic to be honest.

I was officially excommunicated in 2005 and I will NEVER return my soul to a church for anything other than a wedding or a funeral. Ironically, since then, I have become ordained. I’ve married dozens of couples, both hetero and homosexual, and I’ve refrained from including any religious text in my wedding speech. Nothing would make my pre-wedding night cock more flaccid than enduring a speech about a dude who got nailed to lumber and left out in the sun. Great premise for a horror flick. Not ideal for foreplay. Just call me Reverend Gaude Awful.

Like I said, I LOVE that YOU have found your way in the world through your savior and lord Jesus Christ. I, on the other hand, have found my way in the world through avoiding your lord and savior Jesus Christ. Will it come back to bite me in the ass when I die? Doubtful, but maybe. Either way, I’m content with my decision, and that has to count for something. Maybe Jesus will give me a mulligan for my dedication to my own ignorance.

Don’t hate me because I’m content in my own skin. I don’t go around bashing peoples’ religious beliefs or trying to convert them to my way of life. All I ask is that you allow the same courtesy to me. Don’t use my dead grandmother as a sideshow prop to fuel ulterior motives of politics, wealth, and population control. The United States is sick enough as it is. Not everyone can stomach a steaming pile of hater tots. Especially those who’d rather whip up a cool slab of peanut butter and jealous. Crust on the bread is optional.

You do you. I’ll do me. We’ll be fine. Am I lost? Maybe, but it’s not your responsibility to find me. Go find yourself instead. It misses you.

Peace.