U.F.Oh Dammit…

I woke up this morning feeling both sore and refreshed after a twelve-hour mini hibernation spell. Yesterday, I got to spend the day on the railroad for the first time in a month and I loved every second of it. Although the park itself wasn’t crowded, everyone seemed to want to ride the train. I don’t blame them!

General Sam Houston, the LAST operating Dickson Works steam locomotive in the entire world, has been my best friend now for six months. I dreamed of operating this locomotive as a child visiting Six Flags Over Texas and now, I’m living that dream. I look like a pimp in those overalls! 100%. I’m hoping to be fireman certified soon and begin engineer training. Few people on this planet can say they’ve driven a 120+year old steam locomotive. The whistle is angelic. Especially when you’re the one pulling the rope.

When I did manage to get a cup of coffee down me, I noticed I had a hungry Hognose snake to deal with, a kitchen full of dishes from last night’s pork chop feast, and that the United States has spent the last couple of days shooting down UFO’s. Basically, just another quiet morning in…

Wait, what?

Yes, for the last two days, the United States has been shooting down Unidentified Flying Objects over Alaska and Canada! This is nothing at all like the “Chinese Spy Balloon”. These objects fly lower – low enough to interfere with commercial aircraft – and are much smaller. So far, no country has spoken up to claim these objects like China did with their “weather balloon” last week.

My first thought was that these objects came from Russia since they seem to be centered around Alaska and the Canadian Yukon, but Russia is a little too busy right now to be sending spy tech over North American territory. So, what in the hell are these things? No one’s talking yet, and I don’t expect them to tell the truth when they do.

Over the last couple of years, the world’s governments have been a lot more open and honest when it comes to some of our more recent encounters with Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon (UAP’s are the new UFO’s). They’ve slowly been feeding us tidbits of information to soften the blow when the inevitable ‘first contact’ takes place. This is just my opinion, of course, and nothing they’ve said aloud. I mean, why would they? We don’t want to send every trailer park in the deep south into a tizzy because proving the existence of alien civilizations would disprove everything they’ve ever been force fed from a Bible. Mass freaking hysteria would ensue.

What we do know is that the last two objects we’ve engaged and destroyed are about the size of a standard compact car. They’re cylindrical, have no comprehensive propulsion system within the confines or humanity’s own technology, and it scrambled all the sensors of the F22 fighter jets we sent to shoot them down. To me, that sounds like typical science fiction stuff come to life on the nightly news rather than the movie of the week.

We’ve all seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind, right? If you haven’t, get on that right this very second! It’s a Stephen Spielberg masterpiece.

The other thing that kicks me square in the butt is the fact Canada asked the United States to shoot theirs down for them. Dear aliens: don’t blame us! It was the Americans! Sounds like some back handed bullshit on Canada’s part, and quite possibly the world’s first practical joke from an alien species.

Sure, this could all just be spying technology from our own planet, but don’t you think we’d know the technology behind such objects? Everybody knows everything about everyone in this age of information, and there’s no way an enemy country could develop such achievements without ‘big brother’ finding out. Like I said, Russia is busy, and China claimed the balloon from a week or so ago. So, who’s responsible for these? Why can’t super trained aeronautical gods identify how these things are moving?

As if America hasn’t pissed off just about every other country on our planet, now we must give the middle finger to potential visitors from other worlds. Did this truly come from ‘somewhere else’? Are extraterrestrials scared of Marjorie Taylor Green, so they decided to send drones instead? Has George Santos claimed to be one of these aliens yet? How many of these beings has Alec Baldwin ‘accidentally’ shot? Has Gene Simmons had sex with one yet? Has one of them mistaken Joe Biden for one his grandchildren, only to realize he’s the same person they diddled in the butthole a hundred years ago? Trump’s wife looks like an alien so identifying the existence of such things wouldn’t take me by surprise. No, wait! Check out Anya Taylor-Joy’s eyes. There’s no way someone so uniquely beautiful could come from this planet! I have so many theories and questions!

All lunacy aside, we’ve shot down two of these things in two days. If they belong to an alien species, that alien species is good and pissed off by now. Who had “obliterated by an alien race” on their 2023 bingo card? I didn’t. My money was on Godzilla.

So, if we all wake up tomorrow with our cities on fire and probes in our ass, it was nice knowing all of you. We secretly like things inside our butts anyway – I’m not judging you – so perhaps we’ll enjoy it. The whole purpose of doggy style is so we don’t have to look at the faces of our penetrators anyway. I wouldn’t want to see my own sex face reflecting in some obnoxiously huge alien eyes.

We’re all going to die. It’s about damn time.



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