Substitute President

The only thing worse than getting my first sip of coffee this morning was the newsclips of last night’s State of the Union address. Is there any way for a 7/11 to give two shits and a fuck about their products? Between Hazelnut coffee in their regular bins to chicken taquitos mistakenly placed on their taco rollers, I’m not sure how much more I can take of their ignorance. Hazelnut coffee sucks and I’m allergic to chicken. Bastards are trying to kill me. I’m convinced.

I didn’t watch the State of the Union address last night because it was conveniently televised while my son was watching loud YouTubers stealthily selling phone and tablet games with in-game purchases. Yes, that’s exactly what they do if you’re paying attention. Mom and Dad’s credit cards are tied to these devices and the YouTuber doesn’t seem to care if Little Junior gets his ass beat for buying his character that sun dress and roller skates add on. It’s a slick business really. So is diarrhea, but I’m not playing with or buying it.

Last night’s State of the Union address sounded like a bunch of drunken red necks in a bar or when your elementary school teacher secretly had that abortion, and you were forced to endure a substitute for a week. Actually, the most vocal in the audience, from what I could tell, were MAGA idiots who were probably drunk – or high on the bath salts Matt Gaetz brought in from his quick piss stop at a Florida convenience store – and couldn’t wait to get home and lick the juvenile prisoner they keep chained up in their basement. There’s no dungeon in the pizza joint, after all. Got to keep those poor unfortunate children somewhere. Also, have you seen Gaetz’s mouth? Does he have to hire a contractor to brush those teeth? I swear, his top lip reminds me of a hyper coaster hill at Cedar Point. Fucking boogers buying the ticket and taking the ride. I bet he smells like farts. He just has that ‘I smell like farts’ look. Kind of like he’s shitted his pants, but the underwear is totally clean. No explanation whatsoever. Stealth shit, if you will. The stinky kid in gym class whose parents paid his way to a professional career lined with underage prostitutes and beach house cabana boys. I bet those teeth catch the mushroom lip on the way out. Yep, that’s a dick joke. Good catch.

Then, there’s Lauren Boebert aka Colorado’s sweetheart. No one in Colorado would claim her, but she purchased that nickname fair and square. Most call girls have a punch card, right? Maybe the pimp hangs onto it. Either way, I try to think really hard on whether or not I drank at her table once during a weekend layover in Rifle, Colorado. I know she has/had a restaurant there where she requires the wait staff to wear guns. I’ve never fully understood if this was to handle unruly consumers whose steak wasn’t cooked right or if they needed to take a chicken out back at a moment’s notice to feed nuggies to the above-mentioned prisoners. Either way, I wouldn’t pay a dime for resting bitch face covered in the remnants of Ted Cruz’s semen. Poor chick probably looks like some of those Avatar creatures when you run her face under a black light. She’s married to a registered sex offender, by the way. Must’ve left that off the congressional job application.

Last, but surely not least, there’s Marjorie Taylor Greene. This chick had the audacity to flat out call the President of the United States a liar out loud during last night’s speech. I don’t recall that ever being done before, nor do I remember such a rowdy crowd during a Presidential address. Greene is one of the dumbest people to ever hold a microphone. That’s saying a lot considering people like Madonna and Justin Bieber have lucrative singing careers and hold microphones for a living. No matter where she is, stupidity begins to leak when you place her on stage. Jewish Space Lazers? Seriously, folks, our taxes pay this chick’s salary, and she was recently re-elected! The people of Georgia volunteer their hard-earned money to hear what this gammy trick has to say! The other thing that really grinds my gears about her is that I dated a chick who could be her doppelganger. That being said, my brain detects the scent of latex gloves, Marlboro Lights, and some god-awful perfume whenever she pops up on television. I bet she’s one of those people who coughs when they laugh. Do you know what I mean? Every time they find something to be funny, they sound like they’re about to have a goddamn asthma attack. Annoying shit. She’s going through a divorce so, if there’s anyone out there who’s into legal necrophilia, hit her up. This is the age of information, folks. It shouldn’t be that hard to get those digits.

This is our TRUE state of the union, ladies and gentlemen. Old farts who are barely breathing sitting at the top of the pyramid while gun toting, child molesting, morons hurl shit at him from below like primates on zoo chili night. It is quite possibly the most disgusting era in which to be alive, so far, and I personally hope it continues for just a bit longer. How else am I going to convince my grandchildren that our country is nearing embarrassing/has been status if they don’t see it unfold with their own eyes? I swear, you can’t make this shit up, and I make up shit for a living!


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