Watching Me, Watching You

I know there’s a lot of hype in the media right now about the government wanting to ban the Tik Tok app. Actually, this started during the Trump administration but suddenly Biden wants no part of it either. If this is the only thing those two men agree completely on, perhaps we should take it seriously.

Can this app really be all that bad? Chances are that the Chinese government already knows anything about us they can get from this app. Google and Facebook have already plastered our personal information all over the dark web. The only thing they’re really getting from Tik Tok is validation of how incredibly stupid the American people truly are. How about those duck lips, huh? How come a guy named “Mr. Beast” has the crappiest looking beard in the history of masculinity?

For years now, I’ve been confused as to what people really want out of life. For example, my son watched videos of people playing video games when he was in high school. This made little sense to me since he owned the damn game itself! No, he wasn’t trying to learn how to surpass a certain point in the game, he would just watch other people play it like it was some kind of sporting match. I guess it is, in a way. E sports have really blown up to the point where there is a stadium for such events right next door to Six Flags Over Texas in the DFW entertainment capital of Arlington. Man, I should go there and sell Mountain Dew in a truck displaying a recorded loop of Jenna Ortega doing that overrated Wednesday dance. I’d be rich!

A decade later, my young stepson does the same thing with Pokémon, Roblox, and Minecraft. Again, he owns all these games, but he would rather watch other people play them than play the game himself. I’m having difficulty understanding the draw of such activities, especially when these bastards SCREAM every word of dialogue as though they’re shocked when something happens. That’s not how this works at all. They record their gameplay, and then go back and record their voiceover work. Overly dramatic poons really make the kids believe it, don’t they?

More recently, YouTubers have begun “reaction” videos to movies and television shows. Most of them are “controversial” like Blazing Saddles and have an attention getting hook like racism or – heaven forbid – one of the Star Wars films. The acting skills of these “influencers” are horrendous. They pretend this is the first time they’ve seen these shows to entertain millions of mindless drones who have chosen not to see this media on their own. I just don’t get it. Am I old, or is this really stupid? There’s a line, I’m just not quite sure where it is.

Then, enter Tik Tok. This is the dumbest shit I’ve ever watched, yet the entire indie author world salivates over it. It’s bad enough I can’t run a successful business without Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter, but do I really have to make fifteen-second-long videos of my lip syncing to a Seinfeld episode to sell books? Obviously, you do. Why can’t these scared asses pick up a mic on karaoke night or start a real band?

To add insult to injury, most of the videos on Tik Tok are of Tik Tok’ers watching other Tik Tok’ers reacting to Tik Tok videos. Where does it end? At what point did we cease to develop our own thoughts and opinions on pieces of media and adopt the hive mind mentality? Is this app any more dangerous than any of the other social media apps or are we, as a society, really this mindless?

Not long ago, a guest praised some of my presentation work and informed me I was talented enough to be a Tik Tok star. I’d never been so insulted in my entire life. I personally happen to know I’m talented enough to be Public Access Television or Podcast famous. Screw Tik Tok!

Yes, before you judge, I’ve tried it. I’ve tried it repeatedly, and I feel like an idiot. I don’t even screw with the music and filters anymore. I just post videos of my snakes, for the most part. If I’m going to be getting someone’s attention for the sake of marketing my wares, I want to make their skin crawl! Statistically, humans hate snakes, and I’ve got a wonderful chance of being remembered. I don’t have the body of a sixteen-year-old girl in boxer shorts and a tank top, after all. I mean, I do, she’s just chained to a big rock and planted at the very bottom of a lake…

Get off my lawn.


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