Playing “Catch Up”: Saw 3

The Gonzo Journals

February 1st, 2023

I shut my cable off way back in 2015 and I’ve never returned. The country was knee deep in Donald Trump madness and there’s no way I was going to watch it all while keeping my sanity. I said goodbye to politics and couldn’t care less what happened to our country. I’d deal with it if tanks came rolling down the street.

Four years later…

I married a political enthusiast who encouraged me to stay informed and get involved. Not being a fan of illiterate, disgustingly wealthy psychopaths, I chose the other team and poured everything into it. I lost friends, argued with family, and filled every empty second of my life with YouTube political videos. Needless to say, it was a problem.

Now, I’m done. As a former Republican, I’m disgusted by how polarized the party has become and who they’ve elected to follow. As a current registered Democrat, I’m equally disgusted by their lack of action and “meh” attitudes. Our taxes are paying enormous salaries belonging to hatemongering, lazy politicians who would rather fight one another than solve a single problem facing this country.

So, what am I doing to pass the time every night? Catching up on horror films I’ve ignored over the last couple of decades! In hindsight, this may be a more difficult task than trying to understand what Trump Jr. is saying without recording it and playing it back in slow motion. Some of these films suck.

Last night’s offering was Saw 3. I’m not sure if I was ever a fan of the Saw franchise because I couldn’t make it through the second film back in 2005. Here’s why:

Nah, I’m good.

It was common knowledge that a new SAW film would be released every October during the early 2000’s. Whether this was due to the ease of writing them or a typical low budget is unclear. I just knew they were pumping them out into theaters like they’d purchased them all on sale at a dollar store. Many of my coworkers would gather together and watch them ritualistically. It wasn’t my thing. Horror movies? Yes! People? Not so much.

Here’s the synopsis:

Jeff is an anguished man who grieves and misses his son, who was killed by a drunk driver in a car accident. He has become obsessed with revenge against the drunk driver, judge, and only witness who refused to testify; he has also become neglectful of his daughter. Lynn Denlon is a skilled surgeon that is cheating on her husband and suffering from depression. Both are abducted and brought to Jigsaw’s warehouse, where they must play two separate games: Jeff must choose whether to save or let the people he holds responsible for the death of his son die, while Lynn must keep Jigsaw alive until Jeff completes his tests or face the deadly consequences.

As with the other films in the franchise up until this point, there are quite a few people locked inside fantastic homemade machines with a single purpose: to kill them in the most brutal ways imaginable. Every person involved has a secret and the Jigsaw character has insider tips. I’m sure he managed to gather all this information between chemo appointments. What ensues is a snore-fest of a plot with some cringy gore scenes sprinkled in between.

This film falls into the ‘mad libs’ formula by the third outing making me dread watching the other six films in the franchise. What can I say? I’m a completion-ist, and I’ll be damned if a shitty movie is going to defeat me! Grimy warehouse, dead people, traps, and convenient secrets? Check.

Jigsaw has been slowly dying over three films now and I can’t help but wonder how the bastard survives for half a dozen future films! His voice is so monotone, and he rambles incessantly, damn near putting me to sleep eventually. I kept hitting the remote keys to see how much was left in the film. As with most slasher films, I began sympathizing with the murderer and rooting for the deaths. Although I don’t agree with the Rotten Tomatoes rating system, the coming films are all listed in the “teens” I’m in trouble.

I’m sitting here trying to remember things about the film, but my brain has already crapped it out after morning coffee. The first film in the franchise was and still is a masterpiece, but it only packs that punch the very first time you view it. The second film? A bunch of Hollywood stereotypes are locked together in a room and argue for the entire runtime. The needle scene was enough for me. Part 3 – 9? Is there any way to volunteer for one of Jigsaw’s machines?

Somehow, I traded broken record political bullshit that leads nowhere for broken record slasher film bullshit that leads to the next film. I don’t feel like this is a fair trade. Maybe if there was a way to mix the two, I’d feel more liberated. Can you imagine Marjorie Taylor Green locked up in a shit-covered bathroom with an animal trap padlocked to her face and a timer spelling out her imminent doom with every passing second? Yeah, me too. Maybe if we all wish hard enough…

2/5

Peace-ish?

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