The REAL Issue with Modern Slasher Films

The Gonzo Journals

January 31st, 2023

Well, it’s our annual snow day here in Dallas. Everything outside is painfully white – just like our state government – and the kids are out of school. My wife is occupying the downstairs office (No, that’s not a sexual pun) while I’m pecking away upstairs (That’s not either) on my newest short story “Fluffy” for the Head Blown TAC 2023 anthology. The birds and squirrels are attacking the feeder, the cats decided to play “Shit Box Festival 2023” while I was sleeping, and my Hognose snake “Ziggy Piggy” immediately flared out his head, hissed at me, and struck the glass.

Nature knows what’s up.

I did the unexpected last week. After writing about how I’d never tarnish my pleasant memories of the original “Scream” film, I decided to watch the additional four films. I’m glad I did!

Scream 2? Not bad.

Scream 3? Out of ideas.

Scream 4? Completely unnecessary.

Scream 5? Wow. I was surprisingly impressed! Just like every other legacy sequel, the cast is completely new (young enough to kickstart a new franchise), and the legacy characters show up to either die, help, or save the day. Somehow, one of the newer characters is always related to one of the old characters and blah, blah, blah. It’s been done and is still being done daily. Star Wars, Jurassic Park, Ghostbusters, you name it. Every film franchise from our younger years is being butchered with this legacy sequel formula. It’s not that Hollywood is out of ideas, it’s just that they don’t want to gamble money on something new. I know a ton of indie authors who’d run circles around modern horror films and could use the money. Myself included.

Still, Scream 5 wasn’t really all that bad. The brutality was kicked up a notch and Jenna Ortega showed off her skills during the opening scene like a classic scream queen. It made enough money to warrant a sixth outing which will be showing in a couple of months. Here’s the trailer below:

Basically, Ghostface Takes Manhattan. Will the franchise crawl away and die like Jason did on Friday the 13th part 8, or will the cast be able to finish out this second trilogy with class? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

When I first introduced my wife to the original Scream film, we discussed how a film like this could never be made today. Everyone has caller ID and a camera in their pocket to instantaneously blast video of the killer all over social media. Scream 5 managed to shit all over our concept because it allowed the “callers” to be anywhere at any given time. They weren’t tied to a landline. Nice move, Scream franchise, but there’s one little problem.

Every slasher film needs a “party” scene and Scream 5 is no different. I mean, there must be some kind of gathering to put all the potential victims in one place at the same time for the slash fest to kick off near the end of the film, right? Teenagers don’t do this type of shit anymore!

Scream 5 showed us a house with a hundred kids inside drinking, dancing, and screwing. First, the film was made in 2022 and ALL the kids had a cup in their hand, tipsy and oblivious to everything going on around them. What was missing? Weed! I don’t recall a single joint in sight, and no one was hitting the vape pen. This film is taking place in California where it’s legal! I seriously think alcohol will be a dead industry in the next hundred years. No one likes to vomit anymore, and I don’t blame them. I’m working on ten months sobriety as we speak.

Next, some of the kids were dancing to music. Backing it up a little, NO ONE has ever broken out into a dance at a house party. Never. I’m not sure why Hollywood had attempted for decades to convince us all that an impromptu rave breaks out in the living room when someone’s parents go out of town, but they don’t. Not in the eighties, not now. Plus, music died April 5th, 1994. They were dancing to a song from today’s genre which sounds like a computer having a three way with two chipmunks. Art is doomed, and we’re letting it happen.

Finally, and most importantly, there were people at this party mingling face to face and being intimate with one another. No one does this type of thing anymore either. The party at the end of this film should’ve been an empty, quiet living room, a dude on a laptop with ear buds, and trying to make sense out of a hundred people on a mass Zoom call. The killer wins by turning off the router. The kid lazily shrugs his shoulders, grabs his phone, and locks himself in the bathroom to poop out yesterday’s convenience store sushi.

This is it, folks. This is the end of the slasher film genre. Every masked killer will have to be some kind of track star runner to kill each kid individually. Either that or hook the dude up with a Tesla so he can cat around town all stealthy like. Imagine the jump scares you could film with a Tesla!

Wait.

A Tesla with an Elon Musk mask attached to the hood. We’re onto something here. We can call the franchise “Poon”.

Enter the busty teen girl in men’s boxer shorts and a half tank top.

Her cellphone rings.

The killer speaks…

“Who’s your favorite pervy billionaire?”

The Tesla quietly prowls up the driveway…