The “Punch You In Your Nose” Guy

The Gonzo Journals

January 26th, 2023

Apparently, I have offended a couple of guys with a horror podcast. Although several podcasts have discussed a certain book I was protecting, these gentlemen took it upon themselves to play the martyr. Then, they had the nerve to contact me on social media stating pleasantly that they had shared my blog with all their fans.

Luckily, MY fans had already sent me screenshots of their “hospitality” on Twitter. I don’t even have a fucking Twitter! How can you offend your target if you’re doing it in places they’ll never see? Meh. Thanks for reading. Good luck with your horror podcast in a vast sea of thousands who have no freaking clue what they’re discussing. To each their own.

This leads me to my current topic of discussion.

I was sitting at the barber shop this morning for my semi-annual haircut when I noticed the guy at the counter was wearing a Van Halen T-Shirt. Ironically, I had this same shirt during my senior year in high school. I asked him if he had it left over from a concert back then or if he’d purchased it from a vintage store. Ebay. Then, I asked the inevitable.

Roth or Hagar?

I am one of those in the minority who prefer Sammy Hagar to David Lee Roth. The Hagar era was more my type of music. It fit into the glam metal genre and the vocal harmonies were spot on. Not to mention MTV played the hell out of their videos, putting those later albums in my face during childhood. 5150 is still something I enjoy listening to at least once a month. Then “Human’s Being” from the Twister movie soundtrack killed them. At least that’s what the weak minded among us believe. The band was named after the lead guitarist and drummer after all. The singer was inconsequential in their minds. Just ask Gary Cherone.

Surprisingly, the barber was more into Eddie Van Halen than either of the singers. I can respect that. I can still remember the pops and crackles from listening to the epic guitar solo “Eruption” on the vinyl offering of Van Halen One through Princess Leia style stereo headphones. Life changing. Here it is for those not in the know:

Imagine hearing that for the very first time as a five-year-old in 1978. Magical. RIP EVH.

Somehow our conversation turned to social media and how people have become extremist, divisive, and power mad lunatics. Although I point fingers at the modern horror community often, the same could be said about my other interests. The retro arcade, snake, and rollercoaster communities are all populated by individuals who will attempt to cancel you for disagreeing with their opinions. Why is their opinion any more important than yours? Simple. They’re the idiots in the conversations.

Solution?

Society needs to implement the “Punch You In Your Nose” guy protocol.

Never heard of him?

He’s right up there with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. In the 1980’s, young boys learned a valuable lesson on how to either put up or shut up thanks to the “Punch You In Your Nose” guy. I’m thankful I met him, to be honest.

At age sixteen, you got your driver license. At age eighteen, you registered for selective service and registered to vote. Somewhere between then and the legal drinking age, young men of the 80’s/early 90’s were introduced to the inevitable visit from the “Punch You In Your Nose” guy. Trust me, there is no greater teacher than pain, and you’d remember this moment for the rest of your life, laying groundwork for your adulthood.

Unfortunately, later generations stopped believing in the “Punch You In Your Nose” guy and he ceased to be. Dorky ass know it all’s grew up to become lawyers and made the “Punch You In Your Nose” guy go away forever, protecting their up-and-coming dorky ass know it all’s from any further lessons in reality. Society changed forever.

Now, the dorky ass know it all’s run amuck on social media platforms with Conan The Barbarian sized egos and false Peter Steele style penis dreams. No matter what you’re into or what you say, these people (who unfortunately have their noses intact) are here to inform you of how incredibly wrong you are. Oh, how I long for the return of our lord and savior, oh great “Punch You In Your Nose” guy. The world needs you now more than ever. Especially at 1100 S. Ocean Blvd, Palm Beach, FL 33480. The person who resides there is the undisputed leader of the dorky ass know it all’s and needs it more than most!

Until then, the best we can do is ignore the poons and keep on keeping on. Once again, if you ignore the apps, they lose their power. Kill the body and the head will die. For now, we’ll just think fondly of the “Guy’s” return and keep a list of worthy offenders handy for convenience and organizational purposes. Guy have mercy on them all.

Oh, and for the ladies? Don’t worry. We haven’t forgotten about you. The Guy is usually accompanied by “Pull Your Hair And Claw Your Face In A Dance Club Bathroom” Girl. She’ll be more than happy to take care of you too.

Peace…

If you like what you just read, you know what to do.