The Gonzo Journals

January 25th, 2023

I hate it when a rando sends you a friend request on social media. I perform my due diligence, check them out to see if we have any mutual friends, and accept them if it seems to check out. Then, the inevitable private message arrives.

“Do I know you?”

My only response to someone who would ask such a thing after initiating a friend request is:

“It’s possible. I’ve always had a tendency to associate with fucking idiots.”

It’s no surprise at all when I notice all our mutual friends are fellow indie authors. Instant porn site vibes. I have zero interest. Has anyone seen how incredibly hot my wife is? Go away, Pip. No one likes you.

So, I’m sitting here in an elementary school pick-up line waiting for my youngest when I reflect on my days as a school child. Never in a million years would I have believed we could whip a device from our pocket, pen a novel, and instantly send it anywhere in the world. Man, what a ride the last forty years have been!

Do you think I’m being too lenient with the whole “novel” thing? That 50 Shades author wrote that shit on a Blackberry at the laundromat. I’m not kidding! Sure, it sucks, but it sucks in a way that earned it millions of dollars. Plus, lonely housewives played with themselves to those books for a decade. Which would you want to claim fame for? Billions or beans? Wait, is that where the term “bean counter” comes from?

The bottom line, beans or no beans, is that I’m sitting in a car creating art and expressing myself. It’s not the flying cars and teleporters we were promised, but we have every other bit of technology from 80’s Sci-fi. The aliens made sure of that, didn’t they? It must be aliens, right? Humans are mostly too stupid to invent shit like this, but they love to steal and “borrow”. Thanks, aliens! Now, please come and rescue us from ourselves!

Anyway, my time is up. The kids are exiting the school and heaven forbid some kid witnesses me whipping out my device and expressing myself. That’s a fantastic way to get arrested nowadays. Thanks for reading The Gonzo Journals today.




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