People Be Peepin’, Yo…

The Gonzo Journals

January 25th, 2023

Last night, hundreds of people read The Gonzo Journals for the very first time. Instead of my normal negative rants, I wrote something creative about the five most vile indie authors in the business. I can guarantee you that almost every single one of these viewers was either in the indie horror industry or an indie horror reader.

How do I know this?

Simple.

After hundreds of views, not a single goddamn one of these people left a comment or subscribed. That’s how I know. Click, eye rape, and move on to the next.

I don’t understand how many times I must mention this or how many ways to rephrase it. LEAVE REVIEWS. INTERACT. LIKE. SHARE. COMMENT. It doesn’t need to be a Pulitzer Prize winning essay! Two simple words will suffice. Here are some examples: Liked it. Hated it. Delightful read. Bad read. Fuck off. Blow me. Throatwobbler Mangrove. See? Doesn’t that look easy?

Most indie authors are slaves to Amazon because, let’s face it, that damn company owns everything. To be fair, they began with ONLY books in their inventory. Then, they became the Wal-Mart of the internet. I’m not bitching because I use them daily. Amazon is nice! It’s just a large chunk of their users who are poons.

Every specific product has a giant button on the screen asking you to leave a review. Now, some people choose to be over achievers and write a script describing how much they genuinely liked or hated something along with how often their nuts itch. That’s fine. Congratulations on sharing that information with the world! It’s not even close to necessary. Good luck with your balls, though.

Two simple words. That’s all indie authors are asking. If you read it, review it. If it’s a blog or article, share it, like it, or subscribe to it. If it’s a social media post, fuck it. It’s probably just an ‘oh woe is me’ attention grab or someone claiming to be the most disgusting horror writer of all time. They’re not. I covered that in yesterday’s article, remember? Of course you do. You fucking read it and didn’t do any of the above.

For that, I’m sending Greta Thunburg to each of your homes to recite the phrase “how dare you” repeatedly for thirty minutes. She’s a doll.

I’m totally kidding. I find her adorable. At least she’s dedicated to something. Most people in the world her age are just dedicated to Tik Tok, weed vape pens, and looking for their next baby daddy. We’re doomed. All of us.

Peace…

I stand corrected. After reviewing my stats, this article was shared more times than Donald Trump’s classified document collection during a communist golf tournament. No apologies, though. I don’t do that sort of thing often…

If you like what you’ve just read, please like, or subscribe, or share, or all three. It’s free! People like free shit. I’ve been authoring books for fifteen years and readers never fail to ask for free copies…because I used to like living on SpaghettiOs. I’m lying. I totally didn’t.