Universal Studios – Dallas?

The Gonzo Journals

January 12th, 2023

First of all, I’d like to make a slight redaction to yesterday’s entry. According to my wife, the word ‘creepypasta’ has been around for almost twenty years. Congratulations to myself for avoiding it that long and, even though it’s been lingering for two decades, it’s still a stupid word. Scary spaghetti is much better.

Also, to the men who line up in front of me every morning at the neighborhood 7/11 pretending to be all macho and grumpy, stop taking a half hour to fill your coffee with sugars and creamers. Drink it black like a real psychopath and get out of my damn way!

Whew!

Now. To business.

Yesterday, the local media announced that Universal Studios has purchased a HUGE chunk of land in the nearby suburb of Frisco and will be opening a new theme park within the next few years. It’s supposedly aimed toward families with younger children and smaller than their Orlando and Hollywood offerings. The question pinging in my mind from the moment the news chirped this into my ear is…why Dallas?

Dallas isn’t necessarily a destination city like Austin or San Antonio. It falls more into the category of industry like Houston. It’s polluted, overrun with garbage in every direction, and you get pan handled to death on every corner. Now, before you start heating up my comments section, both my wife and I give TONS of money to people on corners, especially those who claim to be veterans like myself. When we have it, we give it. I’m not bragging, just maybe attempting to encourage some stingy holdouts to do the same.

Even more recently, I was told by a transit cop that I shouldn’t partake of the Dallas public transit system unless I conceal/carry my pistol. This was coming from the lips of a fucking transit cop! Thinking back, I don’t recall the last time I’ve seen a cop in my neighborhood. I called them once when someone was shooting a gun outside my window, and they promptly asked me to look outside to see if I noticed anyone. Um, no. That’s not how this works, but thanks for playing!

Dallas has a river, of sorts, and it’s beautiful the moment you get outside the city limits, but it’s historically known for flooding and wiping out entire communities. To remedy this, the city built huge flood plains and levees, making it the most unattractive river near any cityscape I’ve seen with my own eyes. Have I mentioned I’ve seen every cityscape in the United States multiple times with my own eyes? I think I’m more than qualified to pass this judgement. The goddamn things stinks to high heaven every morning and, lucky me, I live just a few blocks away from its banks. Rumor has it you can kayak down the Trinity River, but I don’t want to be the one stirring shit soup with a boat paddle. Not my idea of a fun time.

Either way, Universal Studios is opening a theme park in Frisco, TX, the most useless, unattractive suburb in all of the Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex. It’s flat, full of cookie cutter homes, and you can’t go anywhere at all without getting on a tollway. Basically, it’s Orlando with a little less humidity. This is normally about the time I’d make fun of the people but there’s not much to say. There are Trump flags hanging off pickup trucks which have testicles swinging below their tailgates. Frisco only disguises itself as a modern community. No, the same cavemen prowl the streets sharing a mindset with the likes of Floridians. Now that I’ve put this all down on paper-ish, I can see why Universal chose Frisco instead of somewhere else. Go with what you know. Flatness and idiots. At least Universal Hollywood has this bad ass escalator system that takes you all the way up a mountainside…until it breaks, and you must walk. Been there, done that.

Now, what does this mean for the one and only other theme park we have in the Dallas area? I’m speaking about nonother than Six Flags Over Texas. Built by Angus Wynne Jr. and opened in 1961, Six Flags Over Texas is the original park in the chain…and it needs a major facelift. Recently, their CEO publicly insulted half the country by referring to them as the ‘Wal-Mart’ crowd. Sure, I do this all the damn time but I’m not the CEO of a major corporation!

If you venture into the park, you’ll see discarded trash all through the landscape. You’ll also notice fifteen-year-old trash collectors pretending not to see the aforementioned trash as they traverse the landscapes in large groups, making their way to the company canteen for the tenth time in two hours for their next nap. Also, it helps if they look up from the smart phone they’re not supposed to be looking at. If their CEO wants to properly identify a Wal-Martian, he should look no further than a portion of his own workforce.

Next, you’ll notice that a large chunk of the rides are not in service, whether that be for maintenance purposes or because there’s no employees to run them. I mean, you can’t expect anyone to want to work for you, skilled or unskilled, if you pay borderline slave wages. Welcome to 2023, corporate America! Society is tired of your bullshit, and we demand to be paid for our time and effort. Either that, or enjoy wasting away in your McMansion while staring hopelessly at your housekeeper’s ass. Do you remember when you were someone people actually wanted to fuck?

My solution to all of this would be to just play with yourself, oh rich bastards of capitalism. You can give your people a raise with the money you’ll save. We can discuss cocaine habits in an upcoming rant.

The bottom line is that no one wants to come to Dallas. Not for a new park, not for the old park, not for our fair-weather sports team fanbase, and not for our lack of natural features. It’s a cesspool of wannabe cowboys who park giant pickup trucks outside of immaculate condominiums. Not a single damn one of those vehicles has ever seen a speck of dirt, unless you count the dust flaking from the denim knees of the drivers. Yes, that was a corporate blowjob promotion joke. Good eyes, dear reader. Good eyes.

Oh, did I mention that we have an abandoned looking downtown which prides itself on assassinating one of the greatest Presidents who ever lived? Yeah, he was killed for his open mindedness, peaceful solutions, and anti-racist rhetoric. Ironic that it all took place in a dirty city full of warmongering racists. Dallas doesn’t deserve Universal Studios.

Man, can you believe Kennedy slept with Marilyn Monroe? That had to be the sexual equivalent to walking into Willy Wonka’s factory. I bet she tasted like a grape lollipop…

Heaven.

Peace…

PS – I brought this up on a Facebook Fan Page yesterday and all anyone seemed to want to do was prove me wrong and act like they’re some kind of know-it-all insider. It was laughable at best. I’ll take my press pass and slink back into the shadows from which I came, oh knowers of the not worth knowing. Whatever makes you feel significant at the end of the day…