1. I’ve been ordained for 7 years and performed a dozen or so weddings. I was just asked to officiate my first funeral. My busy world suddenly paused.
2. I have two IMDB pages because there was a screw up on my name. I’ll just pretend it’s my porn page.
3. Today, I quietly ventured back into my hometown for my granddaughter’s dance recital. I sat behind a cop who slept with my ex-wife while we were married. He never knew I was privy to the info. I said nothing, watched the dance, and slipped out. He had no clue I was inches away…
4. I spent all day Saturday replying “yes” to people when asked if I had written all the books on my table. They were shocked. We spend so much time communicating with other authors on social media, we forget we’ve accomplished something amazing. We’ve normalized our talent. Don’t.
5. My wife, knowing I had a horrible, stressful weekend, took it upon herself to take care of a couple of things on my Hellish Monday list. She’s mine and you can’t have her.
6. Dude. I’m in hell. Millionaire Grandma is out of town so I took my step son to swim lessons at what is obviously country club junior. I’m waiting on someone to hand me their valet ticket. Seriously. I loathe the Dallas wealthy. Nothing personal. Most are just ass clowns.
7. YouTube scientist said I can’t “suck” out a candle. Bullshit. I’ve done it. No one sucks like I do lol
8. I’ve recently fallen back in love with Taco Bell which means I’m inadvertently in a three way with Charmin. Lots of time to sit and think about the future of this relationship…
9. Just to freak out the wienies, did you know it was discovered in the last 20 years that typical Garter Snakes are venomous? It’s mild, they have to chew it in like a coral snake, and, in a worst case scenario, it may make you itchy, but they’re venomous nonetheless. Enjoy!
10. Dude. Why does Tucker Carlson always have that look on his face like he’s changing a shitty diaper for the first time? Does he do that during sex too? I bet his boyfriend HATES that!
C. Derick Miller's Gonzo Journals 
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