My Gonzo Journal – Wanging It

No, I didn’t misspell the word. It’s not meant to be ‘winging it’. Wanging it is the only thing I could think of at the moment to describe what more and more indie artists seem to be doing lately. I guess you do whatever it is you need to do to get noticed, right? No thanks. I’ll pass. I’m sure you’re glad I did. Why is it when I searched images for the word “wang” it only showed me pictures of Asian people? Racist search engines…

At first, I thought to myself “Is this even worth blogging about?” Yes, I think out loud in quotation marks. Don’t judge. No, what we all need to be judging is a certain scumbag author who found it necessary to not only film himself doing the weiner dance, but to send it to unsuspecting women/fans in hopes it didn’t remind them of Charlie Runkle from the television show Californiacation. Hideous.

Like I said before, I wasn’t even planning on writing about this. The crazy portion of all this maniacal wang slinging is that this is the second time within a month that I’ve had to endure this line of thought. Two authors in the indie horror community found it necessary to share much more than their works of fiction with the ladies in less than thirty days. Sure, I’m certain this kind of thing happens all the time and there are tons of writers in this world who I’ve never associated with on a personal level. What are the odds that two of them I knew did such a thing? Remote, to say the least. I’ve never had to scrub my brain before of such images. Yes, the unlucky ladies were kind enough to share the images on the internet for all to see/fear. I’ll give one of them a slide for minor infractions but will concentrate on one in particular for going Full Monty via modern technology.

Before you even ask, I won’t share his name. Google is free and readily available in your pockets. I’m sure that by being a casual reader, you’re in no way susceptible to the danger of random flying cocks. However, if you’re one of the women who stumbled (And I use the word ‘stumbled’ lightly. Stubbing a toe might be more like it.) onto these moving images unexpectedly in your innocent inbox, I would like to apologize on behalf of my fellow writers who at least pretend to have our shit together. Hell, I’ll even go as far as to apologize on behalf of the male sex of the human race! There’s no need to push this on another person. It’s damn near wrong to send it upon request. Dongs are ugly. Why do you think light switches were invented? So no one has to look at dongs! Again, my search engine sent me photos of Asian people. This is getting ridiculous!

On a final note, if you happen to be that writer who lives the dream by writing, touring, and not having to endure a day job…why would you go and screw the whole thing up by sharing masterbation videos with strange women? Especially when you’re married! Someone looked past your novelist faults and married you! I use exclamation marks because I know it’s rare! I still wonder daily why my own wife decided to take the plunge with me after reading many of my own works. I’ll spare you with all the thoughts clouding my own brain in regard to the ones who came before her.

Bottom line: If you’re lucky enough to even live half the dream of being a novelist, known or yet to be known, don’t throw it away by giving your fans of the same or opposite sex (Depending on who you go for. I’m not judging. You do you.) the ultimate book mark. Microscopic dick fails to impress next to the potential of your future tomes of greatness. Bold print so magnifying glasses won’t be necessary.

cal_02-book 065

Tim Miller. His name is Tim Miller. I’m a liar and a fat mouth.

Can you imagine that butt naked slinging wang in HD and all for YOU? We’ll talk about this more on this week’s episode of the Butterflies Make Me Angry podcast.

C. Derick Miller is a dark fiction author, Gonzo journalist, freelance A&E  journalist, screenwriter, poet, ordained minister, and ASCAP songwriter born in the town of Greenville, Texas. A seasoned paranormal investigator and administrator for the fine art industry, his influences include Hunter S. Thompson, Kevin Smith, Shawn Mullins, and Del James. He is currently signed with Death’s Head Press and is Sr. Writer/Jr. Producer for AtuA Productions. Chad is also an active member of the International Thriller Writers organization, the Horror Writers Association, and co-host of both the “Butterflies Make Me Angry” and “American Justice” podcasts. He resides in the Bishop Arts District of Dallas, Texas and has a price on his head for his short story “Hell Paso” contained in the #1 Amazon Best Selling Death’s Head Press Anthology “And Hell Followed”. He wishes he was making up that last part but…it’s nice to be wanted.

Yeah, I know I kinda look like that guy. We all do, actually. All authors are bald with beards. The more you know…


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