My Rules Of Writing 2019

  1. Before you ask me to write an article or expose’, read this. Hunter S. Thompson is one of my greatest literary influences. I am a Gonzo Journalist. If you’re not into this style, don’t ask. Then, ask yourself why you’re not into this style. You’ll soon realize that you’re probably wrong.
  2. I’ve been writing professionally for ten years. I have a full time career and family as well. Writing is work. It takes hard earned talent and precious time to do the things I do. Everything I do has a monetary value attached to it. If money isn’t an option, barter of goods or services of equal value will be expected. This includes the wedding ceremonies I perform. At least have the decency to offer. Most times I turn it down because I had fun doing the assignment. You can never have too much fun. You can also never have too much money.
  3. Sex is not a good or service…but appreciated. For reference, watch any episode of ‘Californication’. It’s on Netflix.
  4. Alcohol is not a good or service. I stopped drinking in May 2018.
  5. Your college degree means absolutely dick to me. It is probably a framed, dusty diploma on a bare bragging wall used to impress lonely women you’ve somehow managed to weasel out of their panties at ‘last call’. I’ve met college educated writers who hate me because they spent tons of money on their potential writing career and don’t have the personality to put any of it to use. My wall is covered in so many literary accomplishments that I needed a bigger wall. I did this with a free military education, dedicated passion, and a crazy dream. My father wasn’t rich and didn’t pay for my Bachelor’s of Journalism as a means to get me out of the house. I’m not bragging. Most times I want to rip them off the wall and stomp on them. Natural writing talent is truly a curse.
  6. If you are a young writer and you approach me for advice or assistance, I WILL help you. Always. I promise the be the guy I couldn’t find when I was first starting out. Keep in mind that I’ll probably try to talk you out of it.
  7. I no longer have time to write book reviews. I’ve traded the majority of my reading time for playing guitar. I need the emotional outlet. Too many poons in the world.
  8. I’m not a rich writer. Take that into consideration before approaching me in a romantic manner. Again, for reference, see ‘Californication’. It’s on Netflix. They haven’t removed it since you read rule # 3. Besides, I’m overweight, ugly, and clinically depressed. Most writers are, otherwise we’d be actors.
  9. My fiction consists of dark horror elements based on my own personal experiences, people I’ve met, and places I’ve lived or visited. If you know me, and you recognize relative elements in one of my stories, chances are…it’s about you.
  10. If you do bad things to me or someone I love, I will write you into a story and kill you in the most gruesome way imaginable. Guaranteed. I won’t even bother to change your name. Your grandmother might read it. Don’t be an asshole…or a politician.

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