I Asked For This
I asked for this. No matter what comes my way, I have to keep those four words in mind. My brain is constantly screaming for me to write because I asked for this. My fingers on my left hand are bright red and tender to the touch from learning guitar because I asked for this. Sometimes, I can’t walk into a local store without running into someone asking questions about my books because I asked for this. All the positive things in my life, regardless of how annoying or inconvenient they are at times. I asked for them and they were gifted to me. Yes, they are a gift. The sooner I realize that, the better off I’ll be.
Now, to the flip side. I never asked for the presence of individuals in my life with crappy attitudes. I never asked for work related stress. I never asked for the shadows looming over me from my previous relationships. Because I didn’t ask for them, they are unwanted gifts. Some would call them curses but for the sake of this argument we will call them unwanted gifts. What am I supposed to do with an unwanted gift? Throw it away, refuse it from the giver, or exchange it at the store for something I really want. I never asked for these things and I don’t want them. So, why do I keep them?
The next question I need to ask myself is “what do I truly want?” I want to be a better writer. I want to be recognized for that talent and offered opportunities where that talent will improve my life. I want to be a better guitar player so I can take the hundreds of songs I’ve written over the years and put them to music. I want to share that music with strangers and watch their faces as they realize the pain or joy I was feeling when I wrote it. I want to be a storyteller and share my life with those who are looking for a way into a similar life. I want to glow again. I want to walk with confidence without accusation of being egotistical or narcissistic. I want to love again but, more importantly, I want to be loved again. I want someone to be proud of who I am and who I’m trying to be. I want the life I was promised at birth, not the life which has chosen to grow up around me. Not the life I’ve allowed to infect my soul with darkness and hopelessness. What do I want? I want to live again.
Solution. I will exchange the unwanted things in my life for the things I want. When I see that ex, I’m going to strut and glow. When I feel engulfed by work related stress, I’m going to count the minutes until I can leave it behind, sing all the way home, write that story, or play that guitar. When I tire of the darkness brought on by negative people, I will walk away and seek new ones. That is my promise to myself. The person holding the pen decides the ending of the story. The person holding the guitar determines the key in which the audience hears the song. The person giving love determines the amount of love received. Love is love reflected. Point of view is everything…and I asked for this.